Reconciling Reality

Today I said goodbye to the fourth member of my family who's left too early within the course of the last three years- my aunt Amber. Although we were not extremely close by any means I found myself taking the loss much harder than I thought I would. I found myself grieving not only the loss of my aunt, but the loss of my grandfathers, the loss of my best friend- and in some ways, the loss of my family.

The majority of my family is alive- but we are not together. For a lot of complex reasons much of my family is not really involved in my life any more; and this is a very sad thing. Some have distanced themselves from me and I've distanced myself from some. They may be living, but I have lost them in many ways.

I'm not alone- Jesus lost people in this way too. So, when I think of Jesus hanging on the cross I think not only of his physical pain, but also of his cognitive and emotional pain. What was it like to have lived an entire life for everyone else, only to have the majority of them reject your message outright? Perhaps what's worse was those who claimed to follow his message, but left him to die by himself. What was going through his mind? How much did it hurt to "lose" those closest to him?

I want to pursue my family- one of my heart's deepest desires is to have them fall back in love with the person who gave so much for them and allow him to draw us back together. Him, the only one who can heal our broken hearts and broken lives- the one who captured my heart so long ago. I've spent so much time at school trying to block them out of my mind so I can focus on what I need to do to better myself. At what cost was this? I come home now for the first time in four months to sisters who are taller, a brother who is smarter, a mother (who never calls) that I no longer know- and her boyfriend who I don't care to know, and of course a workaholic father who's life has fallen apart but is trying so hard to put things back together. I wonder if it is worth it; I truly don't know. All I know is that my response has been to harden my heart, avoid being worried about them, and turn off my emotions as much as possible.

This morning as I think about Jesus I think about the Jesus of the book of Mark. In Mark, Jesus is emphasized as the suffering servant. He ministers all of his life amongst a hard-hearted, cold people. They reject him; he dies naked, cold, and alone. I'm blown away by his pursuit of reconciliation despite all of this. While I'm not there yet- I know my hard heart will be, and is being, reconciled to his. I'm hopeful that those I've lost metaphorically and I will be reconciled someday. I know that this is God's will for us. And I'm hopeful that I will see those I've lost in the physical way again.

Some of the last word's Christ ever uttered were: "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do". These words come only be spoken because of what the Father had said to his people long before. "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt". Christ is our sole route to redemption and reconciliation. I will trust in Him

I Lost a Friend: One Year Later

As I sit here on this cold Thursday in December, I'm reminded of where I was last year on December 21. At four o'clock I was working the final hour of my shift at McDonald's, and was surprised to see my best friend Jordan come through the door. He had come to remind me of his Christmas program at his church that night in Toledo, and asked me if I had my Bible in my car. I was somewhat short with him, since I was working and everything, and told him that I didn't have it; it was at my house. He said ok, and that he'd see me later. In my hurry I ended our conversation with an abrupt, "See ya later!" Had I known I would never see him again, I probably would've thought of something more meaningful.

I've thought through that exchange hundreds of times. What would I have said had I known? My first reaction is that I would tell him not to go, as he would not make it all the way to the church that evening. But what if I couldn't save him from the accident that would claim his life? What if all I could do is let him know how much he meant to me?

This is what I would say:

You mean the world to me. You've been the best friend I could ever ask for. There's no one I would have rather played Thomas the Tank Engine, Lego's, Transformers, or a "gun game" with. In our teen years there's no one I would have rather killed repeatedly in Halo (was it like 15 times in a row that one day?). I had a blast when we did our homeschool work together, even though we often didn't get much accomplished. As we got older there was no one who listened as intently to my hopes, dreams, and fears as you. I really didn't mind that you dated Christal after I did. I'm actually really glad you did, because it got her to leave me alone!

I'm glad that I was able to be there for you through your parent's divorce, and thanks so much for listening to me complain during my parent's; thanks also for a person to cry with, as well as laugh with and provide a safe place for me to just get away from the fighting and everything. I'm also extremely glad that the bond of our friendship has been strengthened by our mutual faith in the God who loves us. You've been the best friend I could ever imagine, and I'm so thankful that God made it possible for us to be such great friends. I will miss you more than you can fathom. I Love You. And I will see you again.