You know what really makes our lives special? People. Earlier today as I sat in my apartment's living room by myself, I realized this. I mean, I've known this, but I guess sometimes we can convince ourselves that if we simply fill our lives with enough stuff, or live in the right place we can be happy. If we can have enough fun, we won't feel the hole that's in our hearts. Now, I could say the thing that is perhaps a bit tired here on the beautiful campus of MVNU, "Only God can fill that hole!" I do think that God can help to make us feel content, but I also feel that God has made us to desire being in relationship with others.
For a lot of my life, I thought that if I could just get out of Fostoria, away from my parents and on my own, everything would be alright. I thought staying here on campus this Summer would give me some much needed time to myself. But the problem with that thought is just that: I'm by myself. I don't know if I've ever felt lonelier in my entire life. I think there are two distinct factors that are contributing to my lonesome state.
1. I push people away. If I get really close to someone, I start freaking out about what's going to happen with the relationship. Due to everything that's happened as of late, I'm kind of afraid that the people I care about are gonna leave. I mean I've been left by a lot of people: various youth pastors, pastors, both of my parents (in many ways), and my best friends (Jordan died, Brad gained a girlfriend and lost a spine).
2. I run from God all the time. I completely understand that God has neither left me nor forsaken me. God actively pursues me, and I actively run like the wind away from him.
I hope that this realization will finally push me over the edge of change.
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4 comments:
nice post :-) Godbless you
I know you have done a lot of growing in the last year man, and I'm glad that I have become your good friend. Loneliness sucks, and the summer sure doesn't help it. But the best thing is being aware of it and knowing what to do about it. Love you brother.
This has made me miss you.
I love you man. PLEASE come knock on my door and drag me out of the room if you're lonely. Half-the-time, I'm in here because of the combination of nothing else to do and loneliness myself. Such a combination is dangerous and perhaps I should ALWAYS be in the living room during such times. Perhaps I'll make that a new discipline. My time of thinking is over, time alone and thoughts to myself. I've come to a place of contentment about those things I've been thinking about. I suppose, in one sense, I'm ready for the next set of questions to come my way.
I'm glad we live together. I hope we can continue to become better friends. I once heard you say, "I want to be wanted," as a semi-sarcastic reply to a friend going to taco-bell without you. Well, let it be known: I want you Justin ;)
Peace, friend.
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