Honesty

"I've been mad at you for a long time, ya know? It's been hard for me not to ask some really tough questions of you in the past 3 years. So many things have gone wrong. My best friend is gone. My parents are split up. My whole family kinda fell apart. There have been so many nights where I've just laid in my bed and tried to talk with you. But I haven't spoken with you- I've just spoken to you. I want to have a conversation, but I can't hear you."

"Things are still falling apart. I've called you so many times, but you don't answer. So I leave a message. But you haven't answered. I want to hear your voice, see your face, find you in this vast world, meet up with you somewhere- I'd go pretty much anywhere.

Is this a race that I just keep losing? Is this a test that I'm failing? If there's an expectation that I'm falling short of, I gotta tell ya, I'll never meet it. I know that I'm not enough, and I believe you want to be in a relationship with me, but I need to hear from you. I can't do this on my own anymore. I know that. iwanttohaveYouinmylife."

"I think you will find me. I just hope it's soon. Don't wait too long, ok? I need you."

Early morning
The city breaks
I've been callin'
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
Ya never send me no letters
You got some kinda nerve
Taking all my world

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
Why'd you have to wait?
To find me, to find me
-The Fray

The most important thing

You know what really makes our lives special? People. Earlier today as I sat in my apartment's living room by myself, I realized this. I mean, I've known this, but I guess sometimes we can convince ourselves that if we simply fill our lives with enough stuff, or live in the right place we can be happy. If we can have enough fun, we won't feel the hole that's in our hearts. Now, I could say the thing that is perhaps a bit tired here on the beautiful campus of MVNU, "Only God can fill that hole!" I do think that God can help to make us feel content, but I also feel that God has made us to desire being in relationship with others.

For a lot of my life, I thought that if I could just get out of Fostoria, away from my parents and on my own, everything would be alright. I thought staying here on campus this Summer would give me some much needed time to myself. But the problem with that thought is just that: I'm by myself. I don't know if I've ever felt lonelier in my entire life. I think there are two distinct factors that are contributing to my lonesome state.

1. I push people away. If I get really close to someone, I start freaking out about what's going to happen with the relationship. Due to everything that's happened as of late, I'm kind of afraid that the people I care about are gonna leave. I mean I've been left by a lot of people: various youth pastors, pastors, both of my parents (in many ways), and my best friends (Jordan died, Brad gained a girlfriend and lost a spine).
2. I run from God all the time. I completely understand that God has neither left me nor forsaken me. God actively pursues me, and I actively run like the wind away from him.

I hope that this realization will finally push me over the edge of change.